This was a hard post for me to write, I'm opening up about my anxiety and how I have dealt with it. "OH Katie your such a cliche I hear you say?" I find reading others people thoughts and experiences on anxiety so interesting and helpful why of course I had to add mine to the bunch, no judging please, just love.
Yes we all stress, I can practically hear you roll your eyes. Stress is one of those words that is so widely used and thrown about by people in every which way, it stresses me out just trying to determine the meaning of this elusive word.
Weekly, I see friends tweeting about their uni-related stress to which I cannot relate never having gone to University myself. I see my coworkers stress over workload daily, or whos going to be voted out of celebrity big brother next. But I stress about being in closed in spaces with a lot of people, or getting a massage or going to the hairdressers, this stress comes unintentionally and completely unexpected. Stress turns to anxiety, Anxiety turns to crippling fear of the unknown to the point where you don't want to leave the safety borders that are your bedroom walls.
How is anxiety, one of the most common mental illnesses, still one of the most misunderstood problems that affect people. With those lucky enough not to suffer from anxiety or panic attacks, comes a great amount of ignorance (or so I have experienced) and a lot of questions for example "why is this difficult for you?",
I don't really have any phobias, spiders and flies bother to me but they don't set me off in a state of panic like a quiet restaurant. No creepy crawlies just don't do the trick for me, it's the places most people love to be or go that can really send me into the fight or flight mode.
No I don't want to go to the cinema with you, not because I don't want to see the new really awesome film out or am a bad friend. I just don't want to end up having to leave 20 mins in and ruin your time because my heart was beating so fast and loud I'm sure you wouldve heard it.
My go to response when I get this feeling is flight, I run away from the problem instead of battling it head on so I will leave the cinema, I will go home whilst everyone orders another drink from the bar or cancel on a shopping trip with a friend. It's unkind of people who don't understand anxiety to laugh, say your'e being silly or call you a wuss. And I've experienced it all especially by those closest to me who have known me forever. I haven't always been this way so I guess it would come as a shock to you when I don't want to do things I would once be happy to do. But that still doesn't make it okay.
If you're reading this and anxiety also affects you, please know that I understand all those crazy feelings you have and there will be others around you who also will understand. It feels lonely and so loud at the same time. Ignore the thoughts in your head telling you panic, and don't listen to people patronising you over something you can't control!
Something you can control is how it makes you feel affterwards. If you sit around moping all day like I did, I'll admit I never left my bedroom for almost an entire summer and I felt like crap. I soon realised I can feel anxious but then I can get over it. 5 Minutes of bad feelings shouldnt affect the rest of my day and I chose to do something. I chose to make myself enjoy life regardless of whatever crp was going on in the back of thoughts.
A favourite quote of mine is "If you always strive to choose happiness- every day you wake up and say 'I am going to choose not to let the outside influences of the world affect my mood!' I promise you will live a happier life."- Shay Carl Butler
I find my anxiety is something I can easily open up and talk about, I found the best thing to do was to talk to my loved ones and my close friends about it, If you tell people you have anxiety, it doesn't educate them about it but it gives them an understanding to your personality and your needs. I am able to go out and if I feel not so great and want to go home I can give my friend the look and she knows and completely understands why I need to do what I need to do. It keeps me sane having others knowing how I'm feeling and making a concious effort to see if I'm okay. But I know for some, there couldn't be anything worse than opening up about this and sharing their problems. There is a fear that you will burden people with your problems, I like to put myself in their shoes. If a friend opened up to me about some problems, perhaps they too have anxiety or maybe they've been trying to cope with depression, I am so happy they feel like they can open up to me about it and I can make a concious decision to be there for them and offer help whenever needed.
Anxiety is not the end of the world! I will not let it control me or my life. By making changes like exercising, eating healthier and breathing more conciously, I have learnt to cope and enjoy going out although I believe anxiety is something that can not just be overcome.
Please feel free to leave comments, words of advice or general thoughts. It's nice to chat x
